(Like you’ve never heard me say this before.)
My plan is to… wait for it… exercise. (I know, right?) These are not words that I though would ever leave my lips, but I have decided I like food. (I KNOW, RIGHT?) And, since that’s not going to change in the foreseeable future, my activity level probably should. Maybe. No, definitely.
I’ve decided to run. Janie likes it. I like Janie. So, I will like it, right? (Isn’t that what I learned in algebra? If A=B and B=C then A=C? No?) Whatever. I’m thinking it will give me the quickest results.
That’s a lie. Liposuction will give me the quickest results, along with a tummy tuck. Running will hopefully give me the quickest, cheapest, relatively pain-free results.
I’ve decided to run nightly. Stop laughing. Seriously.
I can’t stop, either.
Anyway, I need your help. Since you all love me (or at least hopefully like me, otherwise what the heck are you doing here?) I need a little motivation. I’m not picky. Positive Reinforcement? Great. Threats? Why not. Bribes? Sure.
Here’s just a few ideas of things that would work:
The next time you see me, mutter “beached whale” under your breath. Repeatedly.
Secretly sneak into my closet tomorrow and exchange all my clothes with smaller ones. This could take some planning, because I might notice the change. I’m kind-of observant.
Conversely, you could do the same thing in a couple of weeks, but with larger clothes. Warning: Do not reverse those. Bad.
Turn all my mirrors sideways. I already know the trick, and have them hanging the skinny way. But if they were changed…
Tell all my kids to ask me why my stomach looks like that.
Offer me $5 for every pound I lose. (Hey! I like this idea!)
Ask me every time you see me what I’ve been eating. And then make gagging noises when I tell you.
Tell me about all the great sales you saw on things, but they were all just one size smaller than my current size.
Just a few ideas to get you going… I have creative friends, so I know you all can come up with some more.
Wish me luck. Or call me a beached whale, repeatedly.